I have always watched in wonder when others opened up gifts and freaked out with excitement.  For me, there has always been a guarded nervousness about the whole process.  My grandmother was able to motivate me to do more by allowing me to pick the prizes she would give me for doing all my homework or not getting into a fight with my sister or my parents.  One toy I wanted took almost a year to earn.  My grandmother would walk me to FAO Schwartz, the toy store and let me look at the prize.  Each viewing made me work just a bit harder and got me back on track when I was lost.  Over time, the toy or thing stopped mattering - it was my Grandmother’s faith in me that inspired me.  It was the only gift I ever really needed.

My parents didn’t posses that gift that came easy for my Grandma, and they constantly gave presents that I didn’t want or had no interest in.  In time, my parents stopped giving gifts and started just giving money.  To them, the idea of gift giving was a burden and they preferred giving a store-bought card with cash inside.  Over time, the money got spent, the card was put away, and my parents view of me never changed.  No enjoyment from who I was, and no faith in who I was going to be. They did everything mechanically and without spirt.  Each gift was a burden and each celebration, an inconvenience. 

Things changed and my thoughts and feelings on gifts changed too.  I got good at giving appropriate presents and always spent just a bit more than others.  I gave each gift from my heart and with love and respect.  This practice worked until I was to meet the woman who would be my wife.  She treasured each gift and was joyous in the sharing with others the wonderful present.  These gifts were representations of my feelings and that invigorated her.  The showing of these items to others gave her energy and excitement, but was never bragging.  She had found love and these things were beautiful representations of that.

After getting married and having a few anniversaries, we both got caught in the gift spiral.  As a couple, we watched as my sister-in-law and her husband defined their relationship based on the extravagance of their presents and we had a moment of clarity.  We stopped trying to top last years’ birthdays, holidays, and special occasions.  The gifts we gave were meaningful and practical: no more expensive crap, just things that represented our love, not a replacement for love.  The time together became the important thing, and the gifts became something that was just part of certain days, not the focus.  The most important tradition was the spirt of love and respect that made the present truly a present.

Unfortunately, I still get a bit shaky when asked to open a wrapped package.  I don’t know what to do when I open it in front of the giver? My face mostly gives away the tension and nervousness and I will probably react in an inappropriate manner.  The issue is that even with a good gift, I’m never sure how to react.  The day I got the knife sharpener from my friends, I was a bit let down.  But 15 years later, those friends are lost to me now, but I still use and praise that machine.  I think of it as one of the best gifts I ever got and I reacted so poorly when I received it.  It turns out that some of the least sexy stuff is also the most practical.  Many, like me, find it hard to act happy when they are not sure about the thing they are being given. 

Am I a Grinch or a curmudgeon?  Am I an ungrateful jerk who thinks way too much about this shit?  Most likely, but that doesn’t make me wrong.  In fact, it makes me a good person to discuss poor reactions to materialism and the need to act excited for every gift.  I do believe there is something called “good manners,” and that it’s important for good relationships to treat each gift with respect and humble gratitude.  I’m not so good at birthday cards and thank you notes sent through the mail.  Those skills that my parents and my sister have, I just don’t.  I do my best to appreciate someone’s effort and thought and try to reciprocate that act, just maybe in my own way.  Shouldn’t giving and getting gifts be easier? I have a simple solution, I let my wife do it - she has the passion for it, and I respect that!

Happy Danksgiving!