My parents loved to fight.  In the foggiest depth of recollection, I see my home on Meryl Lane in the early 1970’s.  My father is throwing a candy dish and then he hits the wall.  My mother screams the whole time.  This became a common event in my life.  Boy, did my parents yell at each other.  It only made sense that my sister, older by 14 months, would take to terrorizing me.  By the age of 11, I had had enough, and I raged back.  I took pleasure in the pain I caused my family.  But this made things far worse.

I think about it now and I can’t stop thinking that I am repeating some cosmic joke.  The pain I cause in others returns tenfold.  Karma, I’m learning, reacts to your intention be it good or bad.  So, the universe moves based on your actions and karma is the effect.  My ill feelings and actions cause pain and harm, in return the universe adjusts to your energy and actions.  This philosophy is far different than the Reform Jewish teachings of my youth.  They don’t disagree either, they are just focused differently.

Both are clear - doing angry and harmful things causes pain.  Yet no matter how I try, I do things I regret. The path to enlightenment isn’t always straight and doesn’t always look like you are progressing.  I understand that my failures are essential in my growth but that doesn’t matter to those who feel wronged by me.  It seems the more accepting I am of others, the less they are accepting of me.  This leads to another difficult idea:  I am unable to see Karma so I have no idea if my actions matter or when they will blossom and yield good things.  I must learn to accept the universe as it is without judgement.

The biggest problem is that I love to fight back.  The ability to stay in the point is why I win in tennis.  My muscle is the other way I can keep my garden working.  And I love to endure. For me, just standing up against my fears is a win.  The Universe doesn’t discourage effort, and if that effort is connected to a positive purpose, Karma remains positive.  This might be my problem; my effort comes from anger.  It’s like the force in “Star Wars.”  The Darkside leads you down a path that cause suffering in others, where the Lightside listens to the force and has a symbiotic relationship with creating peace.

This means that when dealing with conflicts in daily life, the idea is to do it without ill intent.  If you must fight, do it to win without spite or derision.  In victory, be kind and act with honor. In defeat, be humble and accountable. Always compete at your best and allow the Universe to choose the winner.  Then act with honor and grace.  And when losing is not an option, then victory is the only focus and giving up is not thought about.  Remember that victories won for greed will only lead to greater need.  I believe an honorable victory is a true act of “Zen.”

So, I have caused pain. I cause pain. In the future, I will cause pain.  It’s as unavoidable as the seasons, it just happens.  So now what? I can gladly fight every conflict and punish those who treat me with ill will. I can punish the guilty and pretend to be the judge of others.  Or do I adopt the quiet power of the Holy Man and avoid conflict at any cost? The Buddha suggests the moderate course.  The difficult idea is that if I can act with no ill will towards others, then the Universe will react with positive Karma.  Each day I practice, I’m thoughtful when I fail and try not to judge because the Universe may have other plans.  In each moment that I am both mindful and mindless I feel it is a beautiful victory and a path that I enjoy walking.