I have witnessed both men and women abusing others.  I am always shocked by the anger when I see women fighting each other.  The level of rage is startling!  If you add in the millions of times girls have been abused, it’s an uncomfortably large number.  I get the “Me Too” movement, I really do.  I've witnessed acts that I have stopped, I have seen bad judgment and, I have several women that I dated tell me they have been raped.  It makes me feel ashamed of all men and has forced me to rethink how I interact with women. 

That rethinking has lead me to a place I never thought I would be.  I evaluated my behavior and experiences with a critical eye.  I have been guilty of bad judgement, but I never broke that law.  In many of those bad judgement situations, it was a girl who lead me there and lead me there willingly!  Most of these moments of bad judgement was normally accompanied by lots of drinking or drug use.  One of the reasons I stopped drinking was the repeat occurrences of uncouth behavior.  Fortunately, none of my behavior did long term damage, break any laws, or get anyone hurt.  I felt this was important to say before I relate my “Me Too” incidents.

 My childhood to the age of 16 was filled with violence and I endured incredible amounts of pain.  Both my parents were violent people and it emboldened my older sister to be extremely aggressive towards me.  She crossed many lines that are both morally and legally wrong.  I just thought that’s how it was for everyone.  I was filled with rage and had no idea why, so I fought in school often.  Yelling at teachers and people in power, fighting with other kids, and basically acting out, I was completely out of control. 

In college, I didn’t fight as often, but when I did, people got hurt.  I had both rage and speed and, in most situations, I acted before the other person reacted.  It was never pretty, and I always needed someone else to stop the fight.  It was there that a wonderful friend made me stop and ask why I was so angry?  I didn’t think I was angry?  I thought I was normal, and my behavior didn’t vary much for most folk.  Man, was I wrong.  It took a bunch of mushrooms, acid, and other various hallucinogens to access the memories.  Some trips were fun, some were heavy and introspective. 

I have a learning disability, Dyslexia.  Throughout my life I have been told that the level that I worked at was lazy and that I just didn’t put enough effort into anything.  This bewildered me because I had no idea how to work harder.  Teachers yelled and embarrassed me, children made fun of me because I was slow, and my family belittled and berated me.  The sad thing is that I never gave up, but it took almost ten years before my academic level matched the accepted standard.  I took so much shit for working my hardest and if wasn’t for a competitive streak, I would have given up.  So I took abuse on a regular basis until I won and started doing better than everyone. 

I was beat up both mentally and physically and had no real perspective on kind behavior or love for almost two decades of life.  Academics wasn’t the only place I faced hash treatment.  I worked as a tennis instructor and the life was full of back stabbers and fake friends.  The number of people that could be trusted or counted on in my life could be counted on one hand.  I was ripped off, cheated, swindled and, during it all, these con artists had my number.  I was so busy trying to impress my dad, I was the perfect dupe, and they got me often.  The whole idea of showing up and working hard was a tool they used against you - they always wanted more and you were always lazy.  I endured that abuse for more than a decade in my lifetime.

I went into teaching because I thought it was a place of safety and comradery.  I was wrong, being a male elementary school teacher made me the most hated man in the building.  When I worked hard, I was showing off.  When I was upset with offers of help that never came, I was unrealistic.  When I raised my voice at the students, I was yelling and abusive. How? I acted like the rest of the teachers.  How was it that I, the lone male teacher, could be guilty of all these misdeeds as my students got the highest grades in the school?  Every success was showing off, and every mistake was a major incident.  Most of my fellow teachers were insensitive and harsh.  Dealing with them was demeaning and made me look for another way to make a living.

I don’t hit anyone in anger, but I have been tempted.  My “Me Too” stories mean nothing to those who parade their victimhood on a flag.  Harvey Weinstein was a known thing, my mother told me stories about the casting couch from the 40’s!  I was told that there were many ways to get into show business and many people accepted the cost.  I understand the feeling of being powerless, but I’m now afraid to be alone with a woman and have a disagreement.  Having power is great, but knowing when to use it is just as important.  Maybe we can find an “Us Too” place for all folks?